I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
