I bet he comes in French.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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