There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
