If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
FUCK WHALES
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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