The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
