I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
