I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
