I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
