And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
