I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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