Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She bit a glass in half.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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