I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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