i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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