8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
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And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
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I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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