He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
