if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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