this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
