she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
