Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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