My nipple is on Facebook.
I need to stop coming to work sober
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
