So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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