two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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