i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
how drunk are you?
Several
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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