Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
