I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
