I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
