yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
