Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
