So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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