I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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