Hey man sorry I got all grabby
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
