i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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