someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
50% drunk capacity currently
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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