Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
