I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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