Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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