I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
