I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
