Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
