I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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