just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
