I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I didn't shave. On purpose
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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