mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
