I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
