Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
