we're chasing vodka with high fives
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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