i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
