Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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