Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
