was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
