i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
