the condom got lost in my hair
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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