Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I looked at my own cervix.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
