Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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