So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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