just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
