oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
