so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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