Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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