mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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