I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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